Life taught me to keep them low
If you don’t dream high, the fall won’t hurt as much
The punch in the stomach won’t hurt as much
If there’s no butterflies to be smashed
But in keeping me safe from the pain
Do i fully enjoy the happiness?
A life of avoidance is it a life well lived?
When i think of my mother
I think of a warrior
And all the things she dreamed for me
But then i think of the barrier
Covered in gold and illusions that i put there so she
Wouldn’t be disappointed with me
Wouldn’t think all her life was wasted with me
Before the biggest change in my life happened, i read a lot about moving how you can choose how people will portrait you and how you can like become a different you.
But the difficult reality that I’m facing is that all of i read was wrong, at least in my case, moving to another country alone has been a rollercoaster of moments, meeting new friends, crashing my car, discovering a totally different place and at the same time not.
There’s some days that i regret my decision, because i became a different person, a person who cannot fully speak the language, I’ve became a spectator, I’m scared of going places alone, I starting to hate being alone and i feel pressured.
The pressure of thriving, the pressure of immigrants parents that were on my cituation and worked their asses off, the pressure of not being a failure.
All that with 21 years old, i still don’t know what i wanna be, i don’t know who i am…
All that i know right now is that I’m lonely and insecure and done with this life, all i feel is the necessity to scape, become someone else.
I forgot what is being trully happy, i tried to think about the things that i like and all that i was able to think is more than 4000 miles away from me.
My friends
The places i knew
My college
My mom
And about the place that i am right now, all i can think is how much u hate it, how annoying is to pretend that everything is ok, how stressful is to pretend and how sad it makes me. I’m EMPTY and LOST.
I have binge eating disorder and since i moved it became worse, I’m lonely, depressed and I’ve been looking at food as a comfort. I Know i shouldn’t, but i don’t know what to do
Today i thought about tweeting some stuff that I’m feeling, but then i asked myself “who would wanna read that” and so, i grabbed all that stuff, stuff that needs to be said and bottled inside. Again. And i will do it again. And again…
…Because I think about everyone else,
But me.
3 months since I moved and I have a total o 0 friends, I feel totally useless, all that I do I work and sleep, I don’t wanna regret making this decision, I hope I don’t.
Because, quoting Ariana, “…Ain’t got no tears left to cry…”.
